Top 10 Tips to Combat Mansplaining
It’s not all men, and it’s some women too
Introduction
When Rebecca Solnit published her essay “Men Explain Things to Me” in 2014, it made us laugh and struck a nerve. Unfortunately, it’s now eight years later and very little has changed for me. I graduated from business school and have worked in the technology industry for four years. Yet I still get patronizing comments like, “I don’t know how much you know about tech, but…”
It feels like I’m scrambling up a hill before the conversation has even started. I find myself thinking: how can I prove to this software engineer, Joe Schmoe from Ohio, that I know a thing or two about tech? Why do I even feel like I have to prove myself to him? I’m constantly getting shoved up against the status quo. Unless I spell my qualifications out to people, they think I don’t know anything at all.
The other day, I had a guy mansplain to me about the fact that McDonalds is a real estate business. I was willing to let that one slide. But then it happened again, even more embarrassingly. I was at an NFT art event (lol, yes, I’m a wannabe tech-bra) where I met one of the crypto artists, a man in his 60s. We got to talking about what he did for a living.
“I work at a university in Boston,” he told me.
“Which one?” I said.
“It’s called MIT. You might not have heard of it—”
“You think I haven’t heard of MIT?” I said. Before I could hold myself back, I added, “Dude, I graduated from Wharton.”
It turns out Mr. MIT Professor teaches at the Media Lab, perhaps the most awesome and famous design school in the world. He even knew one of my favorite design professors at Penn, Orkan Telhan. Yes, I felt very awkward for toting the fact that I graduated from Wharton. And yes, in my state of shock, I called a 60-year-old MIT professor “dude”. But I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Was he being extra humble? Or had he assumed just from looking at me that I knew nothing about the world? Or that I had fluff for a brain?
I present as a cis, vaguely blonde, white woman, and I don’t want to come off as an arrogant asshole. But with so much back and forth, I find it almost impossible to have an interesting conversation about business or tech when I’m talking to anyone new. I wondered to myself. Is it because I don’t have a dick between my legs? Have other women faced this problem? And how did they deal with it?
So, I did what any other despairing millennial would do: I posted a question to the wise and wonderful Tech Ladies Facebook group (I highly recommend joining Tech Ladies if you haven’t already). Within a day, I got 130+ comments from new grads to rad tech execs on all their tips to combat mansplaining. I’ve included their names where they gave permission, and I absolutely loved all of the answers.
Surprise the mansplainers by outsmarting them
“Kill them with kindness. Give them the old, “Really?” and then throw a little-known fact into the conversation that totally knocks them off their pedestal.” — Carey Gunthert
“Brag just like the men do!” — Danielle Alexander
“When they start mansplaining, I bust in with a question so full of tech jargon that their mouths hang open a bit. Works every time!” — Anon
Use it as an opportunity to share your relevant experience
“If someone mansplains you, you could say “Yes! That’s exactly what I found back when I did a case study on it at Wharton…”. This gives them the opportunity to ask you about your experience in the context of the current topic.” — Jing Jin
“When in meetings with new people, do a quick intro that includes your background and expertise. If your company has a people page for staff bios, use it and write up a summary that conveys the depth and breadth of your experience. When it’s relevant to the project, you can also reference your expertise or past experience.” — JC Finley
“I list my MBA and PMP credentials in my email signature. The more people who know my qualifications, the merrier.” — Anon
Leverage the power of being underestimated
“I had a neighbor whose husband was a urologist and she was a (quite accomplished) pediatric cardiologist. When people met the couple, they would call him “Dr.” and then they would ask her what she did. She always answered, “I sew very small things.” If they cared to ask further she would explain her job, but if they didn’t she left it at that. When I asked her why she did this, she answered, “Being underestimated puts you in a powerful position.” — Catherine Louis
Remember: if it is a fact, it is not bragging!
“Tech is male dominated. You need to own your confidence and let go of the idea of bragging. If it is a fact, it is not bragging. A lot of us women have a hard time talking about our accomplishments in the way that men do. It is our job to change that in ourselves, as you surely cannot change all the men in tech!” — Anon
Dressing the part can make a difference
“It’s sad but the way you dress 100% changes how people treat you. People will make very different assumptions about you if you’re wearing a suit.” — Dara Avenius
“Wear anything that says you're an Alumni of a prestigious school. I've met women in tech who do just to "shut up" men who consider them inferior.” — Anni Yang
“I dealt with it by wearing blazers to work. The difference in how people treat me has been substantial. I wish I didn’t have to, but it worked.” — Anon
Find your own crowd of supporters instead
“I once read a quote that has helped me a lot…"Truly powerful people don't explain why they want respect, they simply don't engage those who don't give it to them." Find your people, those who celebrate all of who you are, brains and all.” — Erina Haile
“Honestly, I just remind myself that it's none of my business what other people think of me. Unless it’s a job interview or speaking engagement where I'm literally asked to outline my skills and knowledge, I just leave it be. I let them think and say whatever they want.” — Nina Ojeda
“Not everyone is worthy of my story.” — Kelenda Allen-James
“Smile and walk away. Life is too short to burn on those who are disrespectful to you.” — Anon
Don’t take it personally or make assumptions about others
“Just know that someone who ‘mansplains’ often does it to everyone, regardless of gender. Often it is because they need to affirm their own value. Instead, my approach is to not assume what people know or don’t know. Their specific knowledge doesn’t make them more or less intelligent. I find it just as offensive when people start talking about something with an assumption that because you went to X school or came from Y company you’re an expert in a particular area.” — Darina Vashenko.
Focus on what you can control
“I examine the space I'm taking and adjust as needed. I stand a little taller, I actively engage a little deeper, I introduce myself to someone new and we establish ourselves professionally. You can't govern what other people think and do. What you can command is your own space.” — Cheryl Cottino
Keep in mind that it’s not all men
“Many men have been extremely helpful in my career. I had an old boss who never doubted I would take over from the lead engineer and could hire my own team. For all the crappy men out there, there’s a subset that will be part of your journey in positive ways, and not because you’re a woman, but because of your skills. Look for those folks and pay less attention to the ignorant ones if you can.” — Angela Murrell
If it gets truly terrible, confront them and then exit the situation
“Sometimes you have to confront it. Say something like “You should listen more, I literally built this.” Then find a way to remove yourself from their presence while keeping yourself composed. You’re better than that!” — Jody Medich
“When someone starts with “I don’t know how much you know…”, just cut them off and say, “No. You clearly don’t know how much I know. But I, however, know enough to excuse myself from this dialogue”. Then exit immediately.” — Barbara Debler-Culpepper
“I give a thousand-yard stare and say “Neat” in the deadest tone I have available. Then I go on my way. Apparently this makes me rude though.” — Emily Boucher
“If you think it’s intentional or malicious you can respond “What makes you question how much I know?” Whatever response they provide, share your credentials, and then tell them “Never start a conversation that way with a woman. It makes you look like a misogynist”. Then wrap it up to exit the conversation. It might bruise their ego a bit, but I suspect that type of person deserves it.” — Anon
Conclusion
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post on Tech Ladies. Secondly, the breadth of tips I received was awesome! I love the idea that if each of us responds to mansplaining differently, it will really keep them on their toes. I’m personally going to take the suggestion to dress better and remember that I do have a voice, which I can use if I feel that someone has really crossed my boundaries. If all else fails, perhaps I will channel my inner Ellie Schnitt:
Have you experienced mansplaining or womansplaining? Or whitesplaining? Or momsplaining? (I’m imagining a mommy mob instructing a young dad about basic child-care tasks that he knows all about.) If so, what happened to you? And how did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments!