When No One Comes To Mind

A Short List of Alternative Masturbation Fantasies

Gracias Malvestida!

Have you ever sat down to flick the bean or rub one off and realized: 

I have no one to fantasize about?! 

It happened to me this past week. Writer-man had rejected me. The Peruvian guy had ghosted me. My ex would hardly do. I had been on holiday with my family for a month and shut down my adult brain for the sake of gatherings and friendly pleasantries. It was taking me longer than expected to reboot back up again. 

Eventually, I settled on one person to fantasize about, but remembering them took me a whole minute or two. (Paid subscribers will get to read who it was below!) 

So, I asked my female friends about this. I wanted to know: What did they do when no one came to mind? They all identify as straight or heteroflexible, so I expected them to recommend a specific person, like a human male who I should have been focusing on. Instead, they gave me some fascinating answers. So, let the games of alternative masturbation fantasies begin! 

1. Come to the idea of yourself. 

One of my friends told me she gets off from fixating and meditating on the idea of herself. Her life. Her pleasure. Her success. Just this inward pouring of light. Wow. I found this idea to be both uplifting but also possibly egotistical. Imagine believing enough in your excellence and awesomeness to be able to orgasm to the idea of your own self? That’s pretty fucking cool. Clearly, this friend of mine has bounds more self-esteem than I do.  

2. Come to the idea of nothing.

It seems that being present in the moment is enough to get some people off. One of my friends gets real comfortable, attuned with her body, and touches herself, and job done. The present moment, in and of itself, will do. Add a little music, and it works extra well for her, like clockwork. Another of my friends can orgasm from doing yoga (?) Forget these patriarchal ideas of putting men at the center of our minds. If we focus on our bodies and do pelvic floor exercises, for some of us, that’s sufficient. And that’s mind-blowing to me.

3. Come to the idea of the sun.

This was another answer that fascinated me. At first, I thought she meant a kind of all-powerful, divine feminine energy. But on further clarification, she actually meant Helios, the ancient Greek god of the sun. All of a sudden, this had “immaculate conception” vibes written all over it. For all you Christian girlies reading, this has a lot of strange implications. I wondered if women throughout history ever masturbated to the idea of God impregnating them. I’m sure they did. I haven’t Googled it, but unfortunately, I have a feeling we may never know.

So, what started as my insecurity about the lack of male attention in my life turned out to be surprisingly…freeing. I had asked for help, and stumbled across the true power and beauty of female friendship. I had also accidentally discovered their erotic visions of their own self-love, which before I could have never imagined. 

And now I have some great options that I can experiment with for myself. Will report back soon. ✌️

Who did I end up fantasizing about?

You probably haven’t heard of him: Roman Protasevich, a Belarusian blogger and activist. He fights for human rights and political freedom against Lukashenko and Putin essentially, who have wielded power over his country since Roman was born. Roman is my age, and according to the media, I’m pretty sure he still has a girlfriend. Wamp.

What I find attractive about him is that he’s a rebel and his job is so dangerous. He’s been imprisoned for speaking up against some of the most powerful dictators in the world. When he was an asylum seeker in Poland, the Belarusian police diverted an EasyJet flight he was on so they could arrest him. Imagine: these ultra-powerful people find him so threatening. If that’s not hot, I don’t know what is. 

To be clear, I’ve never met this man in my life. But look at him! Breaking news headlines with a cute picture of him laughing in jail or being led away by security officers. Papacito.