How To Be Shameless 💅
Tricks to overcoming past embarrassment and humiliation forever.
🎶 Recommended song pairing (my friend Holly’s idea!):
Introduction
My mission in this life is to help you become shamelessly sexy. Of course, helping you figure out how to be sexy is the fun part. But before we can do that, we need to focus on what no one wants to talk about: shame.
Exploring our shame is challenging. This experience is not going to be comfortable or easy. But I can guarantee that if you can process parts of your shame, give yourself kindness and compassion about it, and then let it go, it can transform your life. Your shame might be connected to your sex life, your body, or your fantasies, but for now, it doesn’t have to be. We’ll have plenty of time to explore sex-related shame later. For now, just focus on whatever shame comes up for you. And don’t worry, because I’ll share plenty of shameful experiences from my own life as well. Let’s dig in!
What is shame?
“Jungian analysts call shame the swampland of the soul. And we're going to walk in." — Brené Brown.
Shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior” (Google). Shameful experiences might make you feel embarrassed, humiliated, or even ostracized by others.
Shame is everywhere. Researcher-storyteller Brené Brown has said, “Shame is an epidemic in our culture” that is “highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders." It also manifests differently based on gender. Brown shares that "[f]or women, shame is: do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat…this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be." However, "[f]or men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one: do not be perceived as what? Weak."
The best worst news about shame is that everyone has it; if you don’t experience shame, you’re likely a sociopath who can’t connect with others. While it is painful, shame is a fundamental part of the human experience. In a world of shame, we are the mistake. Shame makes us feel like we’re not good enough, and there’s something wrong with us. But it also makes us human.
What does it mean to be shameless?
To be shameless means to be “not ashamed, especially about something considered generally unacceptable” (Cambridge). It is essentially the absence of shame. To become more shameless, we need to work through our shame and beat it back so it doesn’t bother us anymore. Of course, we can’t change the past. But we can change our mindsets towards our shameful experiences and how much they affect us by following the tips I’ve put together below.
As I mentioned, working through shame is not for the faint-hearted. So, give yourself a pat on the back for preparing to face the darkest corners of your soul! Together, I hope we can achieve something like The Solution of my 12-step program,
“Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past.”
Tips
Identify some shame you have.
Think back to your childhood or youth and pick a memory of when you experienced shame. Try not to pick something too overwhelming to begin with. You might need to repeat this exercise as many times as necessary, focusing on the shame you have from a parent or teacher, siblings, childhood friends, summer camp, school, sports teams, etc.
I’ll choose the moment when I was playing in the garden square with a bunch of other kids. I think it was one of my sisters who grabbed the front of my jeans and my underwear. She pulled it down so all the kids playing could see whatever pubic fluff was growing there. It was awful. I felt like I was being outed for being a total weirdo, as I was one of the older kids in the group, and no one else had hit puberty yet.
Hold that experience in your mind’s eye. Remember as many details as you can about the situation. Notice what you feel. Do you feel any physical sensations in your body, your chest, or your throat? Where are you holding the shame in your body?
Turn toward your younger self with compassion.
Now, turn towards yourself in private and acknowledge the pain of that experience. Find a loving gesture you can give yourself for comfort. For this experience, I held my hand and told myself,
“Everyone goes through puberty. And that experience was cruel. You didn’t deserve that.”
If you don’t want to hold your own hand, you could also hug yourself, squeeze your arm, or put your hand on your heart. Think of what a loving parent or a kind adult would say to your younger self now. What does your younger self need to hear? It could be something like,
“I love you, just the way you are.”
“You didn’t mean to do that. Accidents happen. I forgive you.”
“Experiencing shame is part of life. You’re not alone.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes. I forgive myself for what happened in that moment.”
The more you can give yourself love and acceptance, the less shame you’ll eventually feel about that experience. It is totally okay if you cry or feel a big wash of emotion. That’s a good sign that you’re processing pain and grief. I also recommend Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break exercises. You can listen to my Misseducated interview with her, “How To Be Kind To Yourself, and Why It Matters.”
Remember that all rules are created by imperfect humans.
Much of our shame can start from a very young age in the schools and communities we grew up in. The adults who cared for us in these places may well have tried to mold us into someone we weren’t from the day we were born.
For example, I attended prim, private all-girls schools in London from age four until I was 16. I have so much shame from these younger years when I believed I wasn’t perfect like the other little girls and would never be. I wasn’t good at coloring like they were, and no matter how hard I tried, I scribbled outside the lines. Getting told off a lot didn’t help either.
"No running in the corridors, Natasha!"
"Off with that nail polish!"
"Pull your skirt down!”
Most of what I was taught at school is irrelevant now (the internet had hardly been invented). But as much shame as I felt at school, a sneaky idea was brewing in me:
All rules are created by humans. All humans are imperfect. Therefore, all rules are imperfect also.
Dealing with the shame of so many rules had the opposite effect on me. There were so many absurd rules that my little brain just ignored all of them completely. Even when I was 4 or 5 and pointing my toes in ballet class, I announced,
“This is stupid.” I was then summoned to the Headmistress’s office, and my mother was called, but I stand by what I said. I knew! Why were we living in an archaic, rule-forward world when we could be living life-forward instead? These rules were a form of social control to train me to be a polite young lady.
So, I encourage you to turn over the rules of your childhood and examine the bugs beneath. Reject the idea that you were born wrong or that you needed to be tamed or trained in order to be palatable to others. You were just a cute little kid! There was probably something wrong with the rules rather than something wrong with you all along. That’s how four-year-old me made sense of the world. I hope that resonates. Do with it what you will!
Read More: Preparing for My Family Holiday.
Be prepared to stand up for yourself or walk away.
"Did you want to see me broken? / Bowed head and lowered eyes?” – Still I Rise by Maya Angelou.
About a month ago, I went on a retreat near Santa Fe, New Mexico. On the first day, I enjoyed the breathtaking desert landscape and new friendships. Then, suddenly, I hit a wall.
“We’ll be in here until about noon, then you’ll have about 45 minutes for your lunch and a time for a quick walk. But then we’ll need you back here for exercises in the afternoon,” Mike, the guide, instructed us. Something about this was triggering me. I felt nothing but pure rage towards Mike. Where was this coming from?
I went for a walk on the land to reflect, disregarding their afternoon programming. An unbearable amount of crap came up for me. I remembered the strict school uniforms I was forced to wear. Red shoes only. White socks only. Black tights only in the winter. No dancing, sudden movements, or self-expression of any kind. I wasn’t just brought back to the bullshit rules. I was being brought back to the constant fear that I was out of place. I felt trapped. I had forgotten how much I hated being in institutions where people constantly told me what to do. I remembered why, as an adult, I never wanted to go back to school and why I found it so hard to hold down a full-time job.
Many of us were raised in places that made us feel less than. These places and institutions existed primarily to tell us that we didn’t just make mistakes; we were mistakes. The good news is that you’ve survived all the shameful experiences you’ve had to date. You’re an adult now, and you can say: enough is enough. You are free now. You can choose which institutions you want to be a part of. You can choose where to work. You’re no longer a trapped kid (or at least that’s what I told myself on the retreat).
Instead of letting your shoulders tilt down, you can choose to stand up to the “powerful” people in your childhood whose job it was to fill you with guilt and sadness for being a living, breathing person. Remember that you’ve felt enough shame in your life already. No one can make you do anything anymore. You can stand up to these people, and you can also choose to walk away.
Find like-minded people.
Sometimes, we are challenged to stay in institutions and places where people have shamed us, and we have to find some way to hold onto the light that is still inside of us.
I found myself in this predicament when I was studying for my undergraduate degree at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. I constantly felt like an outsider because I did not want to study finance, even if my creative aspirations to be a writer were still buried deep inside of me. What helped me survive was taking classes outside of the business core in The Design School. There, I met other students who also wanted to do something creative with their lives and who never wanted to work in a bank.
Often, you just need to find your tribe of people who accept your hobbies and interests, if not appreciate them. Now, living in Mexico City, many of my friends are also freelancers who run their own businesses and who don’t have 9-5 jobs. I don’t care as much about what the finance people are doing anymore because I have a group of peers who can relate to what I’m going through and where my chosen way of life is the norm.
Read more: How to Adjust To The Real World After College & The Right To Happy, Female Singledom
No one remembers the worst moments of your life except you.
Think of an excruciatingly embarrassing moment from your past. Got one? Now, at that moment, you might have felt like you were going to die from shame, and that experience is seared into your memory to this day. But trust me, no one remembers that event now.
I wrote about this to my younger self in “10 Things I Wish I Knew When I Was In High School”. In it, I conjured a memory from my teenage days, when a bird shat on my arm in front of everyone at school and on my favorite navy blue cardigan jumper nonetheless. Everyone laughed at me, including the super bitchy girls.
The bad news is that you’re going to remember the most painful, embarrassing moments of your life forever. The good news is nobody else will. When it comes to these super, earth-shattering moments of shame and embarrassment, the only thing you can do, again, is have immense compassion for yourself. First, hug yourself. Physically hug yourself, don’t just give yourself that flimsy mental reassurance. And then whisper words of endless acceptance and forgive yourself. Reassure yourself that no one else is going to remember and that you are nothing but a little imperfect human worthy of love and belonging.
Read more: On Having Self-Worth.
Embrace that nothing is all good or all bad.
I’m sharing this tip because it’s what my therapist says when I complain about anything. Sometimes, when we reflect on our shame, we can feel conflicted or guilty for criticizing the people and the places that raised us.
My antidote to this is to honor the good with the bad. For example, in my childhood, I can say: “I went to really strict, private, all-girls schools. I am grateful that my parents paid for me to get a great education, but I did not like or deserve the overly harsh and punishing rules. I would have done better in a school that allowed more creative expression.”
Similarly, a guy might say something like, “My football team in school was tough. I’m grateful that it helped me stay in shape and for the friends I made. But I didn’t need a coach shouting at me or guys teasing me for being short. I deserved to have a team that supported me and a coach who treated me with kindness.”
No person, place, or community is all bad or all good, and accepting that can bring us peace of mind. You can be honest with yourself about the bad things you experienced somewhere, be grateful for their good aspects, and still be a good person. You owe it to your younger self to remember that it wasn’t all your fault. Places and people that shaped us ultimately for the better still had bad parts.
Journal it out.
I’ve found it very helpful to write about my biggest insecurities and the most shameful things that happened to me. The benefit of journaling is that you can feel these complex, painful emotions in private, which is why I also teach sex writing. You can take the time to feel them exactly as they show up in your body and your life. Right here, no more, no less.
As Dr. Kristin Neff suggests, write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend,
“Imagine that this friend can see all your strengths and all your weaknesses, including the aspect of yourself you have just been writing about. Reflect upon what this friend feels towards you and how you are loved and accepted exactly as you are, with all your very human imperfections…Focus on the perceived inadequacy that you tend to judge yourself for. What would this friend say to you about your “flaw” from the perspective of unlimited compassion?”
She also recommends that we revisit the letter after we’ve written it to soak up all the good and kind words again. We deserve them!
Talk about it.
“The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too." - Brené Brown.
Talking about our shame might terrify us, but it helps tremendously to enable us to realize that we are not alone and ultimately let it go.
A couple of years ago, I went through a very traumatic sexual assault. As I’ve described in my articles “My Incident and The Aftermath” and “Top 10 Tips To Help In Recovering From Trauma”, I found that my sexual assault was like being handed a giant, dark, disgusting plate. But every time I tell my story, another shard of it is broken off. Sharing the burden of my experience with other people has been a huge coping strategy for me. Because at the end of the day, this pain and shame isn’t ours. Your shame is not yours. It belongs to the human condition. It is not yours to bear fully, much less alone.
Brené Brown says shame needs three things to grow exponentially: “secrecy, silence, and judgment.” So, share your shame. Tell people you trust what happened to you, like close family members and friends, because it will improve your mental health. It will give you power. It will help you be more shameless. Because none of us, not even our worst, imperfect selves on a bad day, deserve to shoulder these burdens alone.
Observe and learn from shameless others.
“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”- Oscar Wilde.
Is there someone in your life who you admire as being particularly shameless? Someone bold, interesting, and powerfully grounded in their own skin? Well, they might be a good person for you to learn from.
For me, this person is my writing teacher, Ann Randolph. She writes and performs solo shows, a prospect that terrifies me. Her latest show is called “Inappropriate In All The Right Ways.” That’s exactly the kind of shameless person that I want to be!
We all have people in our lives who are pushing boundaries and challenging others in ways that we admire. There’s nothing wrong with reflecting on what we admire about them and incorporating that into our own lives.
Read more: The Secret To Overcoming Self-Doubt
Conclusion: Make A Contribution
While feeling shame is inevitable, shaming others doesn’t make us a good society. To be shamelessly sexy, you need to decide to be shameless. And to do that, you need to work through some of your shame, work that you’ve already started doing today from reading this article! Hopefully, what you’ve read so far has helped lighten your load a little.
To be shameless, we must face our anxiety, which is simply in service of our fear. This fear can be the fear of success, the fear of failure, or the classic, age-old mantra: the fear of what other people will think. To get around this, we would be wise to follow the advice of Benjamin Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander in “The Art of Possibility” and declare ourselves part of “the contribution game.” Here’s how to do that:
“1. Declare yourself to be a contribution.
“2. Throw yourself into life as someone who makes a difference, accepting that you may not understand how or why.”
As they describe it, thinking about how we are making a contribution “produces a shift away from self-concern and engages with us in a relationship with others that is an arena for making a difference.” It’s almost impossible to be stuck in our shame or inadequacies when we’re focused on how we’re making the world a better place.
Feel free to revisit this article for a reminder whenever you need to, or share it with a like-minded friend if you think it would help them. Let me know how it goes, and I can’t wait to hear how your shamelessness is working in your life.
Lots of love, and good luck!
Tash
💌 ✍️