How To Stay Sane During Wedding Season 💍
Tips for sanity from a cynical single lady 💁♀️.
Introduction 💒
“Oh, it's a nice day to start again / It’s a nice day for a white wedding” — Billy Idol, White Wedding.
A new line from Paperless Post appears in your email inbox. You’re hesitant to open it because it can only mean one thing. Yet another couple you know is fulfilling society’s most boring prophecy: they’re getting married.
Weddings are challenging things. They test us. They plonk themselves down in the middle of our lives and require not just our time and money but our emotional attention as well. Weddings dig up the dirt, not just between family members but also within ourselves. You might not have wanted to deeply self-reflect and evaluate your life. But once you’ve been invited to a wedding, you’re going to get it. Weddings will ask you: Can you be happy for these people, or are you secretly seething with envy? Have you done enough therapy? Do you even know how to set boundaries? Have you really healed? And most cruelly: Do you really have anything in common with these people anymore?
I’ve put together this gentle guide to help you process the annoyingly uncomfortable feelings that attending weddings might bring up for you. I have to be honest: you will survive these weddings, but your friendships might not. I’m a single, 30-year-old woman with a limited number of dollars in my bank account and an even more limited amount of fucks to give (I never want to be married, but I do want to have children). I’m here to remind you that going to a wedding is a challenge: you have to remember what you truly want in your life. Together, we’re going to set your boundaries and keep you on the beautiful life path you were already on.
1. Keep dreaming other dreams 🚀.
“She has brought them to her senses / They have laughed inside her laughter / Now she rallies her defenses / For she fears that one will ask her / For eternity / And she's so busy being free” — Joni Mitchell, Cactus Tree.
Much like reading your resume, your life experience might not translate exactly to the bride’s religious auntie who corners you while everyone else is on the dance floor. Partnered or not. Childless by choice, or not. Other wedding guests often jump at the chance to weigh in on your way of life and your future. And much like the definitions of shame that I’ve explored for us females, other people’s expectations of us conflict and compete. Being raised to be “good girls,” we are expected to be polite while these people rattle off their point of view, even if we decided for ourselves a long time ago that we don’t care for that. Attending a wedding while single is hard, but I’ve heard that attending while in a relationship that’s not going well is even harder.
Don’t freak out. Your needs for the security, the ring, and the father of your future children might have been dormant inside of you, and the surge of socialized pressure might reawaken them. But it’s crucial to remember that this wedding is most likely at a venue where you’re out of your element, cut off from the day-to-day life you’ve built that you love. I experience this a lot when I go back “home” to London. In London, there’s no trace of the beautiful life I’ve been building in Mexico for the last three years. It’s very disorientating. This is only temporary, and you’ll be back to the comfort of your normal life soon.
While the couple was busy doing whatever, you might have become the first woman in your family to graduate from Medical School. Or you might have hosted a summer camp for kids and grown some fat cucumbers in the school garden. At any wedding, you must find some way to ground yourself in your own life and remember who you are. Bring a little token of your daily life with you if that helps. Remember why you made the choices you did. Remember how much you love to make yourself lemon water with honey in the morning. You’ve been on your own path, dear. You’re probably not anti-man. You may not even be anti-marriage. You’re just not willing to compromise on your lifestyle, your happiness, or your goals and dreams.
Let yourself keep dreaming other dreams. As one of my friends said, “I’ve just stepped into this freedom that my path is so different from my friends’.” In 5 years, you’re going to look back in awe at yourself during this time of your life and how much you have grown and evolved. And that’s a lot more important than any of this societal bullcrap.
2. Protect your peace and your bank account 🧿.
Going to a wedding is the ultimate time to test our boundaries. Now, if you have five super close girlfriends who are all getting married and having bachelorette parties in the same year, then I can’t help you. That was your fault for having so many close friends!
As ugly and bridezilla as this can get, I’m here to remind you that absolutely everything is optional. My mother calls me selfish for having boundaries and saying no. But you have to face other people’s disappointment in order to maintain your sanity. You might even think you need to go to your sibling's weddings. But trust me, you don’t. Yes, your family might disown you forever. But I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the oldest sister didn’t show up. So what? Shit happens.
Attending a wedding is a good opportunity to practice being shamelessly sexy. If your needs don’t matter to you, they won’t matter to other people either. You have to know what you want, believe you deserve what you want, and ask for what you want. Your hard-earned money is precious. Your vacation days are precious. What you want to do with your god-damn limited minutes on this Earth is precious. Treat your resources as such. I’m a wedding cynic, but you don’t even know if this couple is going to be together in 5 years. Why get them an expensive wedding gift if you can’t afford it? That’s just going to become collateral when they split up their assets anyway.
3. Try to see the full picture 🖼️.
"All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." — Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina.
Of course, feelings of jealousy and envy may arise. As you watch her walk down the aisle, in the same dress you’d ideally have, marrying a rich guy, both with stable careers, you might be tempted to shake your fists at the universe and say, “Why not me, motherfucker?!”
Not so fast. You have to scratch below the surface. If you’re in the bridal party or family, you’ll probably have enough insider information to know the ugly truth about this couple’s life. For the rest of us, quite like having a crush, we might tempted to project a full, happy picture into the gaps we can’t see. Alcoholism. Abuse. A dead parent. If this couple is human, they’re likely harboring some layer of tragedy right below her beautiful bouquet that matches the table settings. And yes, her parents might have paid for a big white wedding. But that means they also got to invite 100 of their stuffy sailing friends from Rhode Island.
Try to identify within yourself what it is that you are jealous of. This is nothing more than a signpost of where you want to go in your own life or what you think you are missing. Make a note of those exact things that you want, whatever they are. If you do plan on having a wedding someday, this is a good time to take out a pen and paper and analyze what you like about the event and what you don’t. You’re doing research.
If you truly want her life, you have to take in the whole package. Chances are, if you knew the dirty details, it would not be as glowing and rosy. Just because this couple is joyful on their wedding day doesn’t mean anything either. There is always time for things to go awry. And not even a long marriage is necessarily a happy one. It’s not easy being alone, but it’s not easy being married, either.
Also, remember that you are only seeing the finished product. Weddings require an endless amount of time, money, and planning. You might appreciate the bride’s outfit changes, but would you have wanted to spend a year of your life planning one day, mediating fights between your mother-in-law and the wedding planner? Absolutely not. All this comes at a cost that you can’t see.
4. Be happy for them, or don’t be 🤷♀️.
This is a great opportunity for you to turn inward and examine your feelings. If you can’t be happy for them, you probably have a very legitimate reason for feeling that way. Your emotions are your alarm bells. Listen to them.
When it came to one of my ex-friends, I wasn’t supportive of her marriage because she was marrying a literal walking human asshole. Pro tip: if you spend 6 years telling your best friends everything you hate about your partner, how he expects you to cook for him every night and change your bedsheets, don’t be surprised if your friends hate him also. The other complex emotion I was feeling was grief mixed with debilitating nostalgia; I felt like I was losing one of my childhood best friends, and our teenage years were long gone. Her getting married was a slap in the face. We had grown apart so much.
Weddings are the time to dig up everything you thought you had in common with the couple and see if any of them still holds weight. It’s your chance to evaluate whether you still want these people in your life at all. My rule of thumb is to ask yourself: if you met this person today, would you still want to be friends with them?
5. Be a cultural anthropologist 🔍.
While it feels insanely uncomfortable, surrounding yourself with people who see the world totally differently from you will help you solidify who you are and your values. It’s time to be the bigger person. And by that, I mean resist the temptation to be judgmental as fuck of everyone at the bridal shower to the bachelorette.
Approach people from a place of openness and curiosity. This is an experiment. It’s a chance for you to learn more about yourself and others and how you relate to people who are nothing like you. For example, one of my friends who is passionate about sustainable clothing recently went on a bachelorette trip that required color-coordinated outfits. All the other girls bought a new wardrobe from Shein for the occasion. My friend was horrified! But it helped her solidify her values and what she stands for. A similar thing happened to me when I found myself surrounded by girls who all had lip fillers and cosmetic surgery. I actually quite like my face. This helped me remember that I want a partner who thinks I'm beautiful enough as I am.
Being at a wedding is quite like attending Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone is there, from the anarchist, incel cousin to the racist Aunt Barb. Observe them and study them for your own benefit.
6. Water the grass where you are 🌿.
“Higher power, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me." — ACA Serenity Prayer.
Through this wedding experience, you may have been through hell and back with this bride “friend” of yours or a nasty sibling. Keep in mind that none of their behavior is reflective of you if they are being bratty or rude to the wait staff. Each of us is on our own journey. So, if you can, find it in your heart to let that giant pile of shit go.
Still, if you weren’t invited, or you weren’t offered to be part of the bridal party, it can be tough to see beautiful people you love having so much fun without you in a beautiful place. You might feel sad if all your old friends still live in Chicago, but you moved to Miami for your dream job. It’s painful to realize that you might not be part of their lives in the same way that you were before.
Ultimately, you have to focus on what you can control. For example, you can plan your own trip with these friends for your birthday. And while you’re dwelling on how far away all these people feel from you, try to remember all the relationships you’ve been fostering closer to home. You have a new community. You have a different job you’re much happier in. Or, maybe this wedding is a wake-up call that you want to change your career, and you’re ready to evolve. Good for you!
The grass is greener where you water it.
Conclusion: Stay skeptical about societal pressures 🧐.
“Women are sold the concept of love is self-sacrifice. Yeah, well, it’s going to be hard, but if you love them enough, you’ll make it through…This is where we are all sold a bill of goods when it comes to love. It is not true that sex sells. It is absolutely true that love sells.” — Cindy Gallop, Style Like U.
While weddings can derail friendships and families, perhaps their most dangerous force is the potential for them to derail us from ourselves. By taking you out of your home environment and plonking you into a random venue, the value of the amazing life you are currently living is out of sight and out of reach.
If you get a barrage of unsolicited advice from someone who got married before the internet was invented, my last piece of advice is to stay strong and stay realistic. Don’t be tempted by fantasies that maybe Prince Charming is out there or that maybe if you succumbed to these pressures from other people, you’d be better off somehow. You’ve distanced yourself from other people’s expectations of you for a reason: so that you could be happy. Your happiness matters a lot. Do not look back.
While going to a wedding may challenge you to reflect, hopefully, from reading this, you feel reaffirmed about who you already are and what you stand for. Being your own person is something you can be proud of. And if your life needs tweaking, well, you’re in good company with the words of Cindy Gallop:
“I would just love so many more people to take a long hard look at themselves and go, “What would really make me happy? Let me strip out of my mindset around these things everything my parents are saying to me, everything my friends are all doing at the same time, everything that society and popular culture tells me I should want. What do I really want? What would really make me happy?””
Personally, my favorite type of wedding is one I’m not invited to, where I can congratulate the couple and then watch the highlights for free on my Instagram stories. If you haven’t already done so, connect with me on Instagram at @tashdoherty_.
How else do you stay sane during wedding season? Drop your tips in the comments to help out your fellow readers!
Love,
Tash
💌 ✍️
As a happily married woman, I wholeheartedly agree with all of this
so wise, funny, and thoughtful as always!