My Orgasmless Relationship

Analysis From A Woman Who Cannot Live By Penetration Alone

Abstract (TL;DR) ⏰

After 64 attempts and zero orgasms, I finally understood why 81.6% of women can’t reach orgasm from intercourse alone. Here, I uncover the reasons why. I was in a one-year relationship. We were in our teens, and although we had lots of fun penetrative sex in different places, neither of us understood the importance of the female’s pleasure in a heterosexual relationship. I cite a research paper¹ where I self-identify as part of the 81.6% of females who cannot orgasm from intercourse alone. Then I share which of the researcher’s suggested techniques for helping women orgasm also work for me. These include not feeling rushed, having a partner who knows what I like, and anal stimulation.

Introduction 💦

I lay there, naked, as my partner pushed himself deeper inside of me. He grunted and closed his eyes from the intensity as he leaned down on top of me. Yet, as I hugged his shoulders, I was silent. My eyes were wide open. I stared at the cream-colored plaster flowers that lined the edge of the ceiling in my bedroom; their shadows elongated in the late spring evening. Despite all the girls in porn having so much fun during this part, I felt almost nothing. I was too embarrassed to admit to myself that I was almost…bored?

That relationship lasted for one year. I never orgasmed with that partner. This is despite the fact that we had sex about an estimated 64 times (see details below) and that I’ve been perfectly happy masturbating on my own since I was 14. What happened? Or what wasn’t happening? Why was this the case? The article is a deep dive into a phenomenon I want to call “an orgasmless relationship.” Here, I’ll share everything that I’ve learned so you can avoid this experience for yourself in your current and future relationships.

Before we get dirty, I want to apologize to my ex-partner, Will (not his real name), for the fact that I’m sharing the intimate details of our relationship on the internet. Unlike the situations of some women I’ve talked to who were also in orgasmless relationships (who had to fake them all in the end), Will was a very kind and loving boyfriend. I stand by the fact that he would have done everything he could to please me. The problem was that neither of us knew any better at the time. We were in our teens, and as you’ll come to see, we both lacked some key situational and psychological factors.

Relationship Data Observations 🧫

Here’s a detailed breakdown of our relationship:

Category: High School Boyfriend. Monogamous.

How we met: We took the same train to school and were also in the same choir. He took a liking to me, and at some point, we started talking on the way home.

Birth control methods: The pill and condoms.

Duration: 1 year, exactly. I broke up with him on our anniversary because I was on my period and got the ick.

Why we broke up: We had very different interests, and I didn’t have the communication skills to tell him I wanted to have penetrative sex less frequently.

Where We Had Sex: A Geographic Analysis 🗺️

Here is a map of all the places where Will and I had penetrative sex. Keep in mind that we were both in high school, so we lived with our families.

The school bathroom sex was not particularly warm or comfortable, but it was thrilling. Still, we almost got caught by some younger male students once. Around this time, I was in the running to become a school prefect, and Will was trying to get recruited to play rugby at university, so we decided it probably wasn’t worth the risk anymore. Yet the secrecy of it all was intoxicating. Looking at my Maths or English teacher in the face the next day at my lessons felt very cheeky and naughty indeed.

Analysis 📊

Given that I had so much sex with Will, why did I never orgasm? Here’s what was holding me back:

1. I was never taught that my pleasure was important, or I saw it as less important than Will’s, so I never prioritized it. Plus, as a people-pleaser, I wanted Will to have an amazing time so that he could boast to his rugby friends.

2. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to admit to Will that I knew how to orgasm or that I masturbated. Female masturbation was extremely taboo. Not even my closest female friends had ever mentioned it to me.

3. I struggled to relax and simply receive. Will would eat me out until a certain point, but when it got to be too much pleasure, I quickly stopped it. I felt uncomfortable taking so much time.

4. We didn’t explore anal or toys or anything like that. This was Will’s first relationship, and I already felt guilty for having penetrative sex with him, like I was corrupting him.

5. I never thought to bring my bullet vibrator into the bedroom with Will because I didn’t want him to feel incompetent. I didn’t know the most basic rule that we need to transfer our techniques for pleasuring ourselves to our partnered heterosexual sex.

6. From porn, I believed that the goal of foreplay was to prepare us for intercourse. I didn’t realize that foreplay is the main course for many women. Women in porn videos also seemed to find having penetrative sex very pleasurable, but apart from stimulating my g-spot with strange positions like "split the reed," penetration wasn’t pleasurable for me. I blamed myself and thought something was wrong with me.

7. I had no idea that, for the most part, women cannot orgasm by penetration alone.

Key Findings 🤓

My experience wasn’t unique, or so I learned from digging into the science. In June 2015, an amazing group of researchers surveyed 1,055 women aged 18-94 about their experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm.² They surveyed a large enough group with the hope of getting a representative sample of all the women in the United States. Most importantly, they found “that nearly three-quarters of women reported that adding clitoral stimulation during penetration was either necessary for orgasm or made their orgasms feel better.” I highly recommend reading the paper if you want to know the extra juicy details of how different women like their clitorises stimulated.³

Their table shows a strong relationship between the stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse and a woman’s ability to orgasm on average:

They added a fun section where they asked women for experiences or techniques that helped them orgasm. I then compared which ones I’ve experienced as being helpful to helping me orgasm:

Discussion 🧘‍♀️

Reflecting on my relationship with Will, I wish I had learned how to be shamelessly sexy earlier in life. I wish I had believed what I teach now: our pleasure matters, and we should not be afraid to tell our partners that we masturbate. We must ask for what we want. It probably wasn’t until my next boyfriend (who I pegged), some five years later, that I felt comfortable enough to orgasm in front of my partner. I matured a lot in my next relationship, and I’m grateful I did.

However, I did not really begin to practice what I preached until I interviewed Dr. Laurie Mintz about her book, “Becoming Cliterate.” Since I wrote the piece “How To Achieve Orgasm Equality,” I made a rule with myself: we have to have at least one orgasm with any male partner before we have intercourse. I’ve pretty much stuck to that since. It may take each new partner a couple of sessions to learn how to play me like a new instrument, but given the fact that we will probably have sex and I have an affinity for creampies, it’s the least they can do.

Did you ever find yourself in an orgasmless relationship? Did you find a way to fix it? Share your story in the comments so we can normalize talking about what actually works for our bodies.

Thank you all for bearing with me as I try this new Tuesday schedule.

Love,

Tash

💌 ✍️

1. Herbenick D, Fu TJ, Arter J, Sanders SA, Dodge B. Women's Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94. J Sex Marital Ther. 2018 Feb 17;44(2):201-212. doi: 10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530. Epub 2017 Aug 9. PMID: 28678639. http://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28678639/.

2. ibid.

3. ibid.